Hello readers , It’s been way too long since I’ve written but the time has finally arrived. To say the year 2019 has tested me in ways I never anticipated is absolutely an understatement. Looking back at the last time I wrote a post was bittersweet. Fortunately nothing like that has happened again and likely never will which is a relief but still a sting even over two years later.
Today my funny, fantastic and feisty little guy is growing up in more ways that I can measure . I can’t really call him little anymore since he is only slightly shorter than me and is about to finish his Grade 6 school year! Looking to the future is finally met with promise and hope rather than only wrought with palpable anxiety. My worries still remain, but there is a strong sense of hope building daily which helps quell those dark fears.
Raising a child with complex mental health challenges is a complexity of its own : gruelling, frustrating, it’s often like trying to keep a rowboat afloat during a typhoon! I’ve realized there are times when it’s necessary to accept things are going to happen that are out of our control and it’s okay to turn over control to a power greater than oneself. Having a sense of faith, a belief in a higher power, or even just a sense things happen for reasons we don’t always understand has been a life long challenge for me. Once I tried turning overwhelming situations over to that greater being, openly realizing I am not in control of all things at all times, I was surprised at the sense of relief it brought. Surrendering my struggles over to something greater than myself has become a very positive force in my life.
During these challenging moments I’ve taken to repeating a new mantra of sorts in my mind and also out loud. “Jesus take the wheel” has become a coping mechanism and was actually adapted from a country song! My relationship with any sort of religion has been complicated at best, but I can say the idea of surrendering the most overwhelming challenges and admitting you need help, you can’t control everything, is actually very liberating.
This year began with a strange mystery. I woke up one morning at the very beginning of a new year and quickly recognized I couldn’t put any weight on my left foot without experiencing a searing pain. After what I can only describe as a long series of medical mishaps, an actual comedy of errors brought to life, including a misdiagnosis, we discovered my foot is broken. After over five months of hobbling around in an air cast it remains broken to date and isn’t healing.
The challenge of trying to meet my son’s needs while in this condition for such an extended time period has been monumental. I’ve had to use my new mantra many times over the last several months. The Eurithmics classic tune ” Walking on Broken Glass” has been constantly on my mind, since it’s the only way I can give a literal description to how it feels walking on a broken foot.
After months of trying I’m finally going to see a surgeon very soon. My son and loving partner have been able to show me its okay to ask for help and have had to adjust their expectations of me to fit my current situation. I’ve heard after every storm there’s always a rainbow. After a very challenging several months we are definitely ready to move forward with a new treatment plan and bask in the brilliance of that light!
Mommy Musings: Pain into Purpose 