Lego House

Hello readers, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas season and have now settled into a new ‘groove’ for the new year.  Maybe it’s still an after effect of having to help my little guy put together several new Lego toys..I just have them on my mind lately.  For some reason, I started visualizing my son’s educational program as a type of Lego House and have to admit the structure is crumbling.

In my experience, the ideal of having open/honest communication between parents and schools has unfortunately been just that:  an idealistic concept, not a reality. The foundation is definitely there, but the “house” is crumbling day by day since no one wants to take the time to really work FOR us: to really get their hands dirty, pick up a hammer and build my son the type of I.E.P. that would actually work for him. We have wasted so much time attending meetings designed at least on paper to be for his benefit but when it’s time to be real we are spinning in circles rather than actually meeting his educational needs.  How did the wheel fall off? What’s going wrong here? The biggest hurdle is an increasingly frustrating unwillingness to focus on ANYTHING academic  coupled with using the potential for undesirable behaviours to be expressed at school as an excuse to exclude him from school while simultaneously limiting all attempts to teach him the way he can learn.

Why is this happening? I’m not sure if anyone who should actually knows how he learns because they still don’t really  know him!!  Many key people still see him as a list of conditions rather than a wonderfully intelligent, hilariously funny, inquisitive little boy who deserves to be at school just like anyone else. PERIOD. There, I finally said it out loud. What a relief..I’m actually sighing out loud as I’m typing this. That missing puzzle piece finally just “fit”. So now that I’ve solved this mystery what’s next??

Do I have to teach them how to teach him??? So far the approach of completely shutting down any type of academic instruction at the first hint of escalation ‘ish’ behaviour certainly hasn’t helped him learn crucial foundational skills he needs to build his educational house in the future. In fact, there are pages of useful suggestions on file from other dedicated professionals on how to creatively instruct a little fellow who is clearly intelligent and processes information differently than others. Not to mention, if anyone bothered to ask me on a regular basis, I could offer suggestions since before I was a Mommy I did work with children.

An incredible amount of negativity, judgement, dishonesty and the ever present ‘possibility’ of sending him home has greatly hindered any chance to improve the relationship we currently have with the school. The sad reality is, unless there is a willingness to see how clearly ineffective things have become, we won’t see improvement. The idea of suggesting an increase in medication in order to increase time spent in school is reprehensible, but is one I’ve heard. The irony to me is, his school professionals continue to have difficulty moving on to the task of developing an effective program and are in a sense hyper-focused on his behaviours…. perhaps there is medication for that??? I know there are ways to help him learn, he can do it with me at home and if I felt it was truly in his best interest we would have started down the homeschooling path at least a year ago. Instead, I know in my heart he will do best in the long run to have opportunities for social interaction and I’ll keep fighting to see effective changes to his program.

Sadly, I fear the relationship with the school may be irreparable, it may never be that idealistic, positive, proactive one I had imagined when he began his scholastic journey. It will, however be more of what he needs educationally as long as I have any fight left in me, any air left in my lungs and now that I’ve finally found my voice again, I don’t intend to be quiet. I will seek out accountability since it seems to be conveniently absent when it’s clearly needed most.  I just wonder, how many parents out there in our big wide world are walking a mile in my shoes and if they have been able to turn things around in a positive way. Does anyone feel isolated and ever wonder where their school ‘village’ is?  (i.e. “it takes a village to raise a child”). Maybe I need to hire a private ‘construction crew’?  Isn’t it just a tiny bit ironic that my lovely little boy keeps saying that he wants to be a construction worker when he grows up and he just wants to go to school to learn?

Not to worry buddy, Mommy’s trying to re-build your educational Lego house.  Dream big… you can be anything you want to be and I know in my heart, despite the roadblocks you will grow up to do great things in this world…in fact, I think you already have.

Thursday’s Child

Ok, so when I started this new adventure I promised to to keep things on the ‘lighter side’.  Tonight I need to write from the heart and express my wishes for my beautifully complicated Thursday’s Child.  He may have ‘far to go’ as per the old rhyme, but I will keep fighting to change the world, allowing him to reach for the stars now and always.   If I could write a  ‘help list’ it would read:

Help the world understand he is a little human being, longing for acceptance and the chance to be a kid. He should never and WILL never be defined by a list of several  complex conditions.

Help me calm his nights, give me strength to endure hearing the nightly struggle with fears even more complex than one can comprehend.

Help guide me to the right team of experts who can finally interpret and treat the previously unexplained daily repeated inappropriate words/phrases .  Why can’t my lovely little fellow stop  and what can I do to help him??

Help me overcome endless days coping with his aggression, anxiety, hyperactivity, impulsiveness, extreme defiance and statements too painful to even write down.

Help heal my wounded heart, keep me strong in spirit, mind and heal my body so I can continue this journey.

Help me fight for genuine inclusion in school, and most importantly a team of professionals who truly understand what my child needs to ‘succeed’ in school.  Guide me toward the most effective way to accomplish this…education is a right not a privilege and the length of a so called ‘typical’ child’s school day is NOT based on his/her behavior, therefore it should not be the case for ANY child.  We need to CHANGE the way we teach to suit each child, not expect them all to learn via the same old didactic method.

Help me be resilient enough to have confidence in my skills and to not crumble under the weight of cruel and unfounded judgement(s).

Help me stay connected to my old passions, and reclaim the pieces of  ‘self’ that faded away once my journey as a Mom began.  Help me continue to creatively express myself and even advocate for others coping with similar challenges.

Perhaps it isn’t my boy who is “Thursday’s Child” after all.  What if our world as we know it is the”Thursday’s Child” who has “far to go”??  The only way to hopefully one day eliminate the stigma associated with mental illness is to be brave enough to openly discuss what NEEDS to change.

Most importantly, when I look at my child, help me to ALWAYS see past the ‘conditions’.  Let me gaze lovingly into his sweet, shining eyes bluer than the most magnificent of oceans.  Allow me to journey straight through the window into his beautiful soul and BELIEVE his “I love you Mommy” above all else.

A Post-It For Santa

Since the calendar has turned to December, I thought it would be a good idea to write a Christmas themed post.  I’m not sure what it’s like for other families but my little fellow is already nearly buzzing with anticipation for Christmas.  I think it’s hard enough for kids without challenges to wait and it’s a billion times harder if anything like A.D.H.D. and his team of not so friendly co-existing conditions reindeer are pulling the sleigh.

It’s such a magical time of year and quite over-scheduled at minimum.  Oh, and if you throw in a birthday as a ‘dessert after the main course’, you’re really going to have to buckle up for those several trips to holly-jolly over-stimulation village.

Believing in Santa is believing in the possibility of all things magical.  I’ve never stopped and hope my little guy doesn’t either.  The world is full of many storms but also many rainbows as well.  Santa is that bright light after the rain and it would do grown-ups some good to keep believing.  Think of how much brighter the world would be if we could give ourselves permission to be a little silly once in a while, to give more than we receive instead of giving into the pressures of materialism and often losing sight of the true ‘reason for the season’.

My wonderfully, bright, intelligent little fellow has been asking me tons of questions about Santa lately.  He wonders “How will Santa find our house”,  “How will he get in/out if we don’t have a chimney”….fairly common questions.  Then he recently began asking “Mommy, what do you think Santa needs for Christmas”.  This makes me extremely proud, considering the difficulties he often has regulating emotions/recognizing emotional cues.   He is learning and is becoming very capable of expressing empathy/concern for others’ feelings.   A huge, happy milestone!  The best part is, in his very creative way, he continues to teach me how to be grateful for the gift of being his Mom.  That gift is much more precious to me than anything I could ever receive in a box under a tree.

Today he excitedly told me to close my eyes because he had something special to show me from school.  I happily obliged then opened them again when he gave me the OK.  He handed me one yellow Post-It note, saying “Look Mom, I wrote a note for Santa.  It’s a list of what he needs for Christmas”.  I’m so happy to see him printing anything other than his name and was especially proud of how much concentration it took for him to print several words, all properly spelled and in the right direction.   Best of all was what the note actually said:

2 COOKies      jAM        PEAnuT  BUTTER     BrEAD      8 CArrOTS       10 APPLES.

It didn’t say the usual “I want this toy, that toy…”.   He just wrote down a list of foods he thought Santa would enjoy and even remembered to include the reindeer.  Thanks buddy for reminding me what’s really important in life (at Christmas and any other time of year)..caring for others.

Meet Me in the Forest

Hello Parents and welcome 🙂

When you are given the news your child has A.D.H.D.  (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), in my humble opinion,there are often more questions than answers.  You slowly gain insight into why the simplest tasks seem so challenging for your child and recognize that he/she really CAN’T STOP moving/running/jumping/bouncing.  But in all honesty, the rest is still largely a combination of mystery and if you’re lucky consistent responses to medication.

My choice is to use humor as a coping mechanism, to try and highlight all the little funny daily moments shared with my child rather than staying stuck in the struggles.  We all know there are plenty of those, and plenty of other conditions which can accompany  A.D.H.D.  I’m not a doctor, just a Mom who loves her little boy to the moon and stars and back, who wants to lighten other parents’ days.  I’m making the choice to be happy in spite of all the storms of aggression, defiance, anxiety…etc..  Humor can help others cope with incredibly difficult circumstances, so here goes:

As I was washing dishes one day I faintly heard a sweet little voice.  I turned off the water and stopped.  Again I heard it… “Meet me  in the forest!”  I went over to him and asked if he needed anything, thinking I had mis-heard.  He gave me a  puzzled look and said “No Mom”.  I was totally perplexed by this for several days.  Over those days I would randomly hear the phrase “Meet me in the forest” but it didn’t make sense/relate to anything that was going on.

It wasn’t until one afternoon, while watching a favorite movie with my son, did the riddle reveal itself.  One of the lines in the movie was “Meet me in the forest”.  Ok..finally  I understood where it came from.  This interesting mystery all in itself called  echolalia was the culprit.  Remember how I mentioned conditions which may also accompany A.D.H.D.?  Well, this time, rather than be worried, I decided to embrace the hilarity of the phrase.  I simply said “Oh, that’s where you got that from” and heard “Yes Mom”.  It was a sweet, funny moment.  Hold onto and celebrate the happy moments.   Take care, talk soon.